The client is not always the hero

Let me tell you something about therapy that most people miss.

There's a tension at the heart of it—a delicate balancing act that can make or break your progress.

The Safety Paradox

We therapists create a space that's free of judgment. A place where whatever you say or do or think doesn't diminish you in our eyes. That's essential. It's the foundation of trust.

But here's where it gets tricky: sometimes, in our effort to create that safe space, we tip too far. We cast you as the hero of your own story, without question or accountability.

"I love my kids and their health is important to me, but I won't stop smoking in the house."

Do you see the disconnect there? The gap between what's said and what's done?

The Comfortable Lie

We're masters at maintaining our own narratives. At telling ourselves stories that make us feel good about who we are, even when our actions tell a different tale.

It's easy to find people who will validate these narratives. Friends who nod sympathetically. Family members who want to protect our feelings. Even some therapists who confuse unconditional positive regard with uncritical acceptance.

But validation without accountability is just sophisticated enabling.

The Breakthrough Moment

In my own journey with therapy, I discovered something crucial. Real change—the kind that transforms your life—requires more than just a sympathetic ear. It requires someone willing to point out when your actions and your words are telling different stories.

Not with judgment. Not with criticism. But with clarity and compassion.

This is harder than it sounds. For both parties.

what does this look like with a good therapist?

First, they ask questions that don't lead you to a predetermined answer. Open-ended questions that invite reflection. Questions that create space for discovery rather than defensiveness.

"What do you think your smoking communicates to your children about health priorities?"

Second, they listen deeply, then play back what they've heard to make sure they've got it right. This isn't about parroting your words but about distilling the essence of your meaning.

"It sounds like you're feeling caught between your habit and your values as a parent. Is that right?"

Third—and this is where the magic happens—they gently but firmly point out the discrepancy between what you're saying and what you're doing. Not to shame you, but to invite you to see it too.

"You've mentioned several times how important your children's health is to you. I'm wondering how smoking in the house aligns with that value?"

Pushing Through The Resistance

When someone holds up this mirror, our first instinct is often to look away. To change the subject. To rationalize. To get angry.

These are natural defensive responses. They're the ego's way of protecting us from uncomfortable truths.

A skilled therapist won't be deterred by these defenses. They'll stay with you in that uncomfortable space, not to torture you, but because they know that's where growth happens.

Thinking Bigger

This principle extends far beyond the therapy room.

Think about your workplace. Are you surrounded by yes-people who validate everything you do? Or do you have colleagues brave enough to question your thinking when it needs questioning?

Consider your marriage or partnership. Has comfort replaced candor? Has the fear of conflict created a culture of polite silence around important issues?

Look at your friendships. Do your friends care enough to call you out when you're not being your best self?

Taking the Next Steps

Here's the truth: if you're comfortable with things staying exactly as they are, then by all means, keep being the unchallenged hero of your story.

But if you want to feel better—if you want to become the person you know you can be—find someone who cares enough to hold up a mirror. Someone who will hold you accountable with kindness.

Because real growth happens in that uncomfortable space where we're forced to confront our own contradictions.