the anger illusion

Here's something most of us get wrong about anger.

We confuse the emotion with the behavior it triggers. And that confusion costs us dearly.

Think about it. You get angry. You react badly. You feel ashamed.

So what do you do? You make a vow - "I'll never get angry again." As if that were possible.

The insidious Loop

When you repeatedly deny yourself the right to feel what you actually feel, something interesting happens. Not interesting good. Interesting bad.

You don't actually stop feeling angry. You just stop acknowledging it.

“And that buried anger transforms into something else: depression, drinking, gambling, affairs, workaholism.”

It's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. You can do it for a while, but it takes enormous energy. And eventually, it's going to pop up somewhere, usually in an unexpected and disruptive way.

I know this path intimately. I walked it for years.

The story we tell ourselves matters

I learned early that anger was the "bad" emotion. The one to hide. The one to suppress. The one that made me unacceptable to others.

We're taught that civilized people don't get angry. That mature people have moved beyond anger. That spiritual people have transcended anger.

All lies.

Anger is a human emotion, as fundamental as joy or fear. It's a signal, not a sentence.

The cultural narrative doesn't help

Our society celebrates restraint while simultaneously glorifying explosive anger in entertainment. We're swimming in mixed messages.

Movies show characters unleashing righteous fury to solve problems. Then we wonder why people think anger means smashing things.

Meanwhile, self-help gurus sell books promising "10 Steps to Eliminate Anger Forever!" - as if eliminating a core human emotion were both possible and desirable.

It's marketing, not reality.

try this 3 step plan

Here's my three-step plan. Feel free to borrow it:

First, give yourself permission. Anger isn't a character flaw. It's a natural human emotion, as valid as joy or sadness. Having it doesn't make you a bad person.

Second, sit with it. Don't run from your anger. Don't hide it. Look at it directly, without shame. Just for a minute. Notice how it feels in your body. Is it heat in your chest? Pressure in your head? Tension in your jaw? This physical awareness creates space between feeling and reacting - the space where choice lives.

Third, get curious. What triggered this feeling? How did you respond? What were the consequences of that response? This isn't about assigning blame - to yourself or others. It's about understanding patterns so you can make different choices next time.

Be the person you want to be

The difference between facing your anger and burying it? It's the difference between becoming the person you want to be and becoming someone who's hurting - hurting yourself and everyone around you. What if you treated your anger as a messenger rather than an intruder? What if you listened to what it's trying to tell you?

Maybe it's saying your boundaries have been violated. Maybe it's highlighting an injustice that needs addressing. Maybe it's revealing a hurt that needs healing.

“When we listen to our anger instead of suppressing it or exploding with it, we discover its wisdom. ”

taking the next step

Work with a therapist to understand what makes you angry and how you respond to that anger. It will be the difference between being the person you want to be, and someone who is depressed and hurting yourself and the people around you.